i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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