Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
