I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Randomize
