Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
they're like a gay fantastic four
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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