She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
