please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
