I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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