end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
even my farts smell like vagina
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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