you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
