I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
