you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
