I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
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