Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
