If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Randomize
