alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
