Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
