Acid is not a monday night drug
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
