Only a mothe r could love this liver
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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