I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
