To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
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Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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