Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize