If that was your dad, he is hot
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
This beer is not sobering me up at all
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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