come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
