cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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