it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?