i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis