Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
