First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Randomize
