no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt