Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
