Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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