I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
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I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
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