$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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