i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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