apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Randomize
