I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
