just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
