pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
