now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Randomize
