I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
