i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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