i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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