I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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