I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
