just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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