Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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