The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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