I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
