So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
