I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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