Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
