Yo dont text me then not text me
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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