I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
