Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
