someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
