Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
