Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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