Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
