Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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